So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If I die, sorry about rent.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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