so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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