I think I won the penis lottery.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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