I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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