im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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