If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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