im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
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