Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
