I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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