My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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