You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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