im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
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He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
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CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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