Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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