Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Dicks are not precious.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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