she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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