Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Sorry my hands just texted you
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
