All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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