I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
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