you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
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She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
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