i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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