1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.