brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
