you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
