My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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