Your tits are I can't wait for
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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