idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
We got so high we made milksteak
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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