Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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