I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
