i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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