I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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