I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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