I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
