I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
