So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
