Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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