Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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