I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
