Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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