she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Did I show you my penis last night?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
