I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
