I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
