I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Yo dont text me then not text me
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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