if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
