Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
