I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
