Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
