You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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