So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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