So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
