It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
