meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
