Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
