Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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