I wish I could teleport
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
