And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
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I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
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Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.