I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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