i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.