I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?