I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.